A Beauty and A Beast: The Healing Journey Part One
Before the year could fully begin, I found out I would need surgery. What a way to start 2021 after such an interesting 2020, the word “interesting” speaking mildly of course. The surgery I needed had been lingering over me for years and unfortunately, I could no longer evade the surgical knife. It would prove to be one of the most challenging and most uplifting ordeals of my life. Teaching me the beauty behind healing but also the struggle of it. That healing isn’t all brightness and flowers; but rather a complete system of evolution, with clouds, thunder, and rain before the real growth can begin.
“This is something you have to do now, it cannot wait”, the words of my doctor that basically foreshadowed the next few weeks and months of my life. A complete and total loss of whatever control I had, that is what those words meant, only I didn’t know that at the time. Unexpected changes were sure to follow me and nothing would go according to my preordained plans. And oh how stuck I was on my plans and the timelines that I had set for myself. I would learn to loosen that grip with the unfolding of events.
As I sat there accepting the inevitability of this procedure, I considered what got me here in the first place. A detached retina, threatening the very sight I possessed in my left eye. My strong prescription finally got the best of me and stretched my retina to the point of tearing to a full detachment. It wasn’t a condition I inherited or apart of my genetics. It was simply my bad eyesight, which over the years caused very tiny holes in my retina, eventually advancing to a tear, and now leading to a full detachment. Truth be told, I was lucky to still have the ability to see out of my eye as a retinal detachment usually results in full loss of vision in the eye. Something every doctor made a point to tell me with each pre-operative visit I encountered. I was often hit with the shocked face and a quick “you’re lucky to still be able to see” whenever I would tell doctors about my upcoming procedure. I was lucky and blessed, and yet…I still had to undergo surgery in order to get better. I still had to be cut in order to heal.
I made my preparations as best as I could. Informed my job that I would need surgery and unfortunately, I wouldn’t know exactly how long I would be out. It all depended on how well the surgery itself took place. My HCPH team was incredibly supportive, even sending me a pirate eye patch for my glasses during my recovery period (which turned out to be incredibly useful). I went to every pre-op appointment I had to go to, I took my COVID test (twice due to my surgery being rescheduled) and I prepared as best as I thought I could. My best was of course not as educated as it probably should have been. I had no idea how this surgery would go or how I would be after. All I knew was it had to be done and I was going to do it no matter what. The wheels were already set into motion and only a shameful cowardice move would halt it now.
In my mind, even with the minimal amount of fear that I had, the surgery wasn’t that big of a deal. I would be off of work for my pre-operation appointments, off a week for the surgery, and back working from home the following week. No big deal. I might have a little discomfort that caused me to work from home an additional week, but other than that this would be like a well-deserved break. Maybe I could work out a little while I’m in recovery mode, catch-up on some binge watching I’ve been wanting to do, maybe even have a full day of writing. Yea, a piece of cake, maybe two, this surgery would be. Nothing but a soon to be check mark on my never-ending to-do list….
Or so I thought…and oh how wrong I was. I would soon find out just how significant this particular check mark was. Some of the worse ass whoopin’s are the ones you don’t see coming…and some of the most meaningful lessons are learned out of hardships…
Looking back…I didn’t give this surgery the credit it deserved. If I would’ve known then what I know now, I wouldn’t have been so cocky. I wouldn’t have treated this procedure like another thing to do. I would’ve slowed down and really gave thought to how this procedure was going to change my life. I would’ve practiced more gratitude as opposed to exasperation for this challenging procedure. I would’ve cherished all moments before going under the knife knowing things would be so different for quite some time…
I was out like a light. (ayyee yeah **Drake voice**) Like a light. Knocked out hard the night before my surgery, sleeping like a baby. We woke up a little late but was still able to make it to the surgery center before time. We should’ve been earlier as it was a wait to be called and by the time my name was summoned to the back, we were on a time crunch to get everything started. I really had no time to ponder my inevitable eye slicing at all. I was rushed to undress and put on my scratch piece of paper like hospital robe. Then a quick run through of the questionnaire with rushed answers, and a fast AF IV and prep for anesthesia. Before I knew it, my boyfriend was being rushed out with all of my belongings, and I was being wheeled to the back. Served up on a platter to my capable doctor. I had a few brief moments to thank my heavenly creator for blessing me with the sight I did have and the ability to have this surgery. A stolen chance as I was being pushed to my next destination to send up hopes for a successful procedure, with a small flicker of nervousness of the unknown. However, before that flicker could burst into a flame of fear, my meds kicked in to protect me from the pain of the knife. With no ideas of what I would wake up to I drifted into the void…something similar to the sunken place to await my awakening to this whole new world of healing.
Stay Tuned for Part Two of The Healing Journey: The Beast mode of Healing