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Dating Chronicles

Dating Chronicles, Living Single, Queendom,

Pound Cake

Sweet and soft. Full of flavor and able to satisfy any sweet tooth. Perfect in the morning for a pick-me-up and even better at night for a midnight snack.

You can have it cold or warmed up, it’s good either way. Oh how delicious and soul satisfying is your favorite piece of pound cake. Needs no icing and if some is added it better be just as tasty as the cake or else don’t even bother with it. The concept of pound cake originated from a fellow writer and artistic soul mate of mine, Ms. Tracy @peacefulsgroove, during one of our writing meet-ups. Laughing over drinks and snacks we usually end up creating more conversations than short stories, but mayne are they GOOD talks. These talks actually end up giving me so much more to write about, especially when the discussion leads to a beautiful self discovery and a renewed perception of my own self definition.

As my writing group and I were attempting to embark on our weekly writing journey the discussion of self-love and dating emerged to successfully get us off track. We began to discuss how everyone must reach a point where they are comfortable with exactly who they are and see themselves as complete; needing no one else and not afraid of solitude. It is essential that we take the time to learn how to love every inch and aspect of ourselves, first, before seeking to add someone else to our lives. Not desiring a relationship or relations simply to combat loneliness, but rather embracing the beauty of the personal relationship you have with self. Our individual ingredients and prep time has to be completed all the way through, from mixture to finished product, prior to emerging ourselves into a romantic relationship. We have to learn to see ourselves like pound cake, needing no additional garnish in order to feel absolute.

“Pound cake don’t need nothin’, anything added to it is extra...”

To see myself as whole and complete, needing nothing but the creator and the ingredients he used to construct me, is such a powerful idea. What a statement to chew over, that anything else added to me is extra, and shouldn’t take from me or define me but rather add to the already complete me. This thought process would require me to see myself as lacking nothing and not requiring anyone in order to achieve happiness or acknowledge my self worth. I would have to grow to believe in my truly exquisite existence and be confident in my value. Confident enough to stand on a platter alone and declare with all certainty. I. Make. This. Plate.

“Pound cake don’t need nothin’…”

My friends voice replays in my head like a mutha fuckin mantra weighing heavy on my soul and burrowing deep within my mind. The conversation led me to question how my current thought process is set up. How am I really living my life and seeing myself. Am I comfortable and confident in my existence all on its own? Or am I constantly searching to fill my value with the company of someone else?

“Pound cake don’t need nothin’…”

I hear it again, yelling at my innerself, the phrase that is a necessity to live by. The words that need to blend in with how I feel about myself, just as pound cake don’t need nothin’, neither do I. Just like any garnish with pound cake should be adding value, so does anyone who has the fortune to be added to me.

“You should know you are the shit all on your own before anyone else is added.”

I should know this! But…how often do I question it? How often do I doubt the blackgirlmagic that is me? When you have knowledge of a fact you normally don’t go back and forth on the validity of your intelligence. For instance, no one has to convince you that the sky is blue or water is wet, you know this. That is the type of confidence she was speaking of, knowing you are the shit without any doubts. We should have complete knowledge of our personal bad assness, and know that we as individuals are the perfect dessert without any garnish.

“Pound cake don’t need nothin’”

It is good all on its own, and I am long overdue to start living in that belief regarding myself. This is a concept that I had to share because often I catch myself being skeptical of my own value, due to a number of different reasons. However, the time has come for me to actively pursue putting those thoughts to rest, and truly find peace with the awesomeness that is me. It is ok for me to know my worth and expect others to treat me accordingly. And it is also ok for me to take my time and wait for the one who will treasure me as I deserve to be treasured. Because if you aren’t adding to my worth you cannot be added to me; I’m pound cake and I don’t need nothin’ added in order to be complete.




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Dating Chronicles,

Dating Chronicles: Nice or What??

The world of dating presents us with numerous factors to take into consideration.

So many questions that arise in your mind as you attempt to decipher the most appropriate methods of operation for this dating game. Are you being too picky when looking for a potential partner? Maybe you are not being choosey enough? One question that seems to be showing up more frequently lately is the question on how “nice” we should be to potentials. Especially for females, being pleasant and acceptable all the time can lead to disappointing or even heart breaking consequences. The real question is, to be nice to these ninjas or nah, nice or what??


It is said that for “perfect little girls” the ingredients should include sugar, spice, and everything nice. But how nice is too nice? Can you add too much sweetener to the mixture that produces a queen? How much sweetness should one hand to a man?  Because a man is a man, a human, and while some may appreciate the sweetness; others may take advantage of the nectar that is you.  A woman living in her sweetness has certain characteristics that can be taken for granted when they are at the disposal of the wrong person.


For one, she has more patience for what others may consider bullshit. 


She is so understanding and open to your way of life, and really takes to heart the idea that “everyone is learning and growing” She is able to look past certain dubious behavior in favor of seeing the hopeful potential of the good man that can be found deep within a fuckboy.  She will entertain the idea of a friend with benefits and a “go with the flow” type experience in hopes that if she gives a man time he will in return learn to treasure the gold he has found in her.  She has more patience for shortcomings and tries to be as understanding as she would want someone to be towards her…if she were herself lost in fuckgirl behavior.


Two, she gives more chances for actions that others would block with a quickness for.


A woman with an excessive amount of sweetness and her everything nice levels turned all the way up will give more chances to a love interest. She sees the potential of a love interest even if their actions don’t necessarily support how great their potential may seem.  She will place people in her “room for improvement” list as opposed to her “blocked” list, and will not cut someone off right away.


These traits are not necessarily negative, but they do have a sense of danger attached to them. A girl living in her niceness is not oblivious; she is fully aware of all the red flags and chooses to see the light at the end of the tunnel…even if she is nowhere near reaching that destination. A fuckboy will hold on to this niceness as long as he can, even if he does not intend on ever stepping into the role. This is why this type of sweet behavior in the dating game is risky, because even if you ignore you are aware and will eventually have to make a choice. A choice to either continue believing in potential, or step into the reality of actions.


On the other hand, a girl with too much spice may not be able to see any air of potential. In reality, we are all in fact human; most people ARE actually growing and learning every day. Someone’s actions may not be an outward expression of fuckboy tendencies, but rather an honest ignorance on how to handle a true queen.  An ignorance that is paired with a willingness to adapt has the option of developing into something real…if you let it.


The challenge is recognizing the right person that will adapt and not appearing closed off when they come along. And as that person adapts for you, you as a Queen will adapt to them in response, as growth should be a mutual experience and not just one sided.


For me, I have to accept that I need to turn down my sweet nature and take more steps into reality. I know that I have had too much niceness in the past, and have even been told that from a trusted loved one as well. Loved ones can tell you which one they think you are, but only you can accept the truth for yourself and decide how to adjust. So which one are you? Are you the woman who goes through life overloaded with spice, or are you the one giving away everything that is nice?

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Dating Chronicles, Queendom,

The Love You Are Craving…

I found myself craving some sort of attention; wanting to be seen and heard.

I felt a need to be around adoration and get some well deserved TLC. I attempted to satisfy this craving by multiple outlets; vain random fandom and seeking the one I most adored who could never act right, only to be let down and disappointed by both. No person seemed to be in the right mindset to satisfy my needs the way I wanted them to be. It was shown to me that the need for affection could not be found by outward sources, it needed to be satisfied from within.

It seemed that even though I was openly looking for someone to give me affection no one could give me the level of attention that I desired. I wanted to feel loved and appreciated, I wanted to feel encouraged and be renewed. It was more than what simple flattery and temporary passion could satisfy. I knew exactly what I needed, but my conditioning gears me away from solitude, away from alone time. I have been conditioned to value being around someone and taught to believe being alone is a lonely place. When alone time can be a place of comfort and growth. I can give myself the exact love I crave in a way that only I can, spend my night doing exactly what makes me smile, and take the time to write out the thoughts that needed to be processed. The love I actually needed was the love from me, and thankfully the universe is moving to serve my best interest and lead me to the right outlet.

See, I thought I needed another person to give me the level of affection I was craving. In reality thinking this way was placing limits on myself and giving power to others over my emotions instead of giving that power to myself. I was thinking I needed someone else to give me the attention I wanted; I was in truth neglecting my own love. Thankfully, the universe made it so that other distractions were moved out of the way so I could really be with me, and really take advantage of the love I was missing out on.

No one’s love or attention will ever be as refreshing as my own affection towards myself. It’s as if I was thirsty for water but kept drinking juice. While the juice with its sweet flavor temporarily relieves my thirst it will not fully quench how parched I am. Because what my body really needs is water, the substance from which it is made of, in order to really thrive. Until I quench my thirst with that of which I am truly craving I will always search to be relieved, always search for satisfaction without gratification. I will always be on the hunt for love that can only be found from within.

The truth is; the love I was craving was my own. To love myself first and to stop looking for the affection I was so desperately seeking for in other people. You cannot depend on someone else to give you the love that you are required to give yourself first. Your love for you is primary, anything else is extra, just side dishes, and your love for you is the entrée.




Dating Chronicles, Queendom,

Benching the Old Me

One of the many lessons I’ve learned this past year is that, for people like me, dating requires a particular protection over your heart.

There are a lot of people out there who only want to taste love not fully consume it. They aren’t ready to open themselves up to someone else, even if they allow the other person to open up to them. That is why now more than ever it is such a necessity to guard the heart when dealing with this caliber of person. You have to put yourself first, accept nothing but the love you deserve, and cut off with a swiftness anyone who doesn’t treat you accordingly (hell, that can even be said for outside of dating just people in general, but that’s another post).

Cutting a person off has always been a difficult task for me, because I hope so much in people and their improvement. I will hold on to a someone’s potential until they’ve burned me so much I can no longer grasp onto them without causing me harm. This sort of devotion is actually self-inflicting my own pain as I am purposely refusing to let go of someone until they have extensively burned me. That hope in people is a beautiful attribute, one so precious that it should only be reserved for the people who truly care for me in the same capacity that I do for them; and for that reason I have to change around some of my habits. The old me opens up and loves after seeing potential, the new and present me has to stay guarded until the person has proven worth. 

Of course, that is so much easier written than done because I am so accustomed to the old me and being the “good girl”, “wifey material”, “the main one”; and the wrong kind of man will see that and try to take advantage of it even if they aren’t noticing they are doing it. Not saying I am still not the girl to end all love searches cuz I am (lol), not saying that the “good girl” won’t reveal herself to the right one. Just saying I can no longer be a ride or die chick for ninjas (safe word for n*ggas) who only want to ride. Because…

When I love I am loyal.

When I love I dedicate time.

When I love I give myself to the person.

I am a climb mountains, cross valleys, no matter what it takes kind of loved one. If I am in my right mind and can do a requested task for you I will, my heart knows no other way to function when face to face with someone I care about. I find that trait about myself priceless; I can feel the loving tendencies of all of my ancestors filling me up and making me who I am. This particular feature is too delicate to release to every party guest, just like the fine dishes in mamas china hutch. These dishes are only to be brought out for special people on special occasions; much like my love is meant to be. I am fine china and my love is like precious crystal, non-dedicated hands need not touch. I do not need anyone with slippery agendas handling something as fragile as my heart, which requires me to stop giving it to them.

I have the power over whom my love is shared with, and the present me knows that I have to play my best hand when I have the right partner, not before. In the meantime I am not going to male bash or say I won’t have fun with these ninjas, cuz I will. No one is perfect and I cannot cut myself off from people all together just because some do not have the capacity to accept real love. I just know the importance of protecting me and mines from spending energy on the fake when my heart is so fine.

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