When I like someone and feel that connection I think to myself “yes, this is it!” When in reality it is not.
Intuition rings in my ear, like the alarm clock interrupting your dream in the morning. How desperate was I to stay hidden under the covers, engulfed in the ecstasy that my dream world was giving me. I keep hitting the snooze button and resetting my time, until I can’t any longer. I press on snooze until sunshine peeps through my window oh so disrespectfully and wakes my ass up reminding me why I shouldn’t have slept so long in the first place. It opens my eyes and after I adjust to the light I find out what the reality is. The aching reality that comes into view is my devotion to a person being matched by their devotion to themselves.
I live in a world where both men and women admire the SZA like behavior. We enjoy having someone devoted and having something on the side. Born into a world where people don’t want lasting love; they want love like lust that can linger only until they are ready for the next experience. They want to be able to lay with one just to turn around and lay with others. Unfortunately, for people like me, we do NOT want the same thing. We do not need to slide into someone else’s DM’s, we do not want a main and a side piece, we do not want the during the week and weekend thing. We just want the real thing. God how I loathed that “Weekend” song and everything it implied. Not because Sza didn’t song the song beautifully or because the song itself didn’t jam. Not because it wasn’t a big hit, not because it wasn’t played on the radio almost every time I got in the car. My loathing of the song was definitely not because Sza herself is a mediocre artist, because she is one of the baddest bitches in the game. None of those reasons, no, it’s probably because in my case I’m not the weekend lover feeling empowered that she takes a man from his woman if only for a few days. No, most of the time, I’m the during the week bitch who’s giving everything and doing everything for the relationship that is within her strength. I could be the weekend girl, Lord knows he’s blessed me with the looks, but I choose not to. In my younger more selfish days I was the weekend lover for a man, allowing him to have his cake and eat it too with me, then return to his committed main at home. Only to see firsthand the heart break of another that I knowingly participated in. I have been the girl hurt, and I have been the girl that has done the hurting, and I’d rather not assist in hurting another queen.
I just have to face it, I am not Sza. When I have a man he’s not your man too, he’s mine. And when my man has me, he doesn’t have to worry about sharing off of his plate, he can eat his full entrée by his damn self. There’s not a lot who think like me anymore, or if there is, we aren’t being broadcasted. Sometimes I wish I could just be like everyone else. Loving whoever, whenever, fulfilling the void of love by quick and easy conquests. Satisfying their love hunger with tv dinners and fast food; and while the bagged feasts and microwaveable nourishment may quickly alleviate appetite it will never be as satisfying as a dinner that was made with love and full of flavor. For me, I want home cooking and there is nothing wrong with that. Instead of me questioning myself, how about acknowledging the beauty that is me?
Just because the world is one way doesn’t mean I have to be that way. It reminds me of what old parents use to say when talking to their kids about their desires to be in the “in crowd” and do everything precisely as the cool kids do “If you see what’s his name jumping off a cliff you gon’ jump off too?!” The answer would always be an eye roll followed by a reluctant “no”. But, honestly, if I saw groups of Sza like people jumping off of a cliff one by one I wouldn’t think to myself “Hey, you better get on it! These guys are obviously on to something, you need to get your life Sis, be like everyone else, and jump!”
Hell no! I know who I am and how I love and it is beautiful. I am gorgeous and smart and funny. I’m cooler than the other side of the pillow and my love is as bright as a full moon on a clear night’s sky. Honestly, I’m the shit. Not to sound cocky, but I have to know what I bring to the table in order to know who can sit or cannot sit with me. I know a day coming soon the person of my dreams will walk into my reality, and I have to give them a confident me. It’s important that I know who I am, how I love, how loyal I can be, and how beautiful it is to be someone like me!
all smiles 🙂
And eventually…I’ll run into you and you into me
Wandering around the crowd like the others aimlessly
After deciding to seek after what’s lasting and real,
Instead of going through life playing the field.
And you’ll see me and I’ll see you
We’ll take time to bask in each other; wonder how God brought something so true.
And he’ll lead me to you, the one who loves like me.
Waking me from a nightmare into a beautiful reality,
Where our lives don’t overtake each other but they meet.
And our souls apart never feel quite as complete
We’ll sing praises to Yah for allowing this love to come over.
And walk straight into our future, without looking over our shoulders…